Naughty Mama Blogger

I realize it's been a while. Not because I didn't want to - in fact I've started at least three posts in the past few weeks and have ultimately given up on working them into something anyone would want to read.

I've been going through a bit of a sad space lately. I'm having a difficult time adjusting to my new job and workplace (which aren't so new anymore, but still) and feeling ineffective in many parts of my life. I was feeling like I was too angry, too negative, not good enough, but dissatisfied and not doing enough to change that. I was feeling like a victim and not in control of my life.

Not much has materially changed, but I'm delighted to say I feel better lately. Particularly this week.

I've said for ages that I wanted to go back to school. And that I want to be a healer. But there have been barriers - mortgage, kids, bills, time, not being sure what I wanted to do. I took my first steps on this path last weekend and became a First Degree Reiki healer. And I love it! I've given Reiki treatments to my husband and both boys, and myself, and I'm planning to offer it to my dogs next. Am I quitting my job - no - not yet - but I am looking forward to earning my Second Degree, and I believe I've found another program that I want to take. This has filled me with hope that I will achieve my dream of helping people to feel better and find wellness, and leave the world a better place than I found it.

I've felt guided to this path but was very unsure. I feel more sure than I ever have and I think that means the time is right. The program I want to take is going to take me about two years to complete, but on a part time and self study basis, and I will be able to begin working in the field halfway through.

I can't describe how excited I am about this. I just got off the phone with the school and I could start this program as early as three weeks from now (although I'm not sure I can make that happen from a financial perspective). But certainly in September otherwise. Which would mean September is going to be HUGE for our family! Large Man Cub will start Kindergarten, Small Man Cub will start Preschool, and I will go back to school after a dozen years!

I have felt really good about where I am in my personal and family life, but my professional life has been incomplete for a while. I feel so hopeful about the future!

Now I just need to find thousands of dollars. Eep.

2012 In Review

These are 5 things I discovered this year:

1. B1 has my heart. He is sentimental and loving. When we redecorated his room, he was honestly sad because he would miss his old room. He looks at our old dog and says "I'm going to miss him so much when dies." This is most certainly, without question, my heart in this child.

B2 is also a mini me in many ways. We both take off our socks as soon as possible upon getting home. We could both gladly eat chicken strips, cheese, and chocolate shortbread every day. He makes the same funny facial expressions when he talks that I do (which is why I hate FaceTime).


2. B2 is smarter than I ever imagined. We always knew B1 was pretty darn clever. But B2 has managed several skills earlier and easier than his brother did. I worked hard to teach B1 his ABCs and how to count, I barely spent any time with B2, and he is amazing at it. He can remember words to songs on the radio after hearing it just a few times. He potty trained himself six months younger than his brother was when he nailed it. He can already dress and undress himself and B1 couldn't at this age. B2 constantly impresses and amazes me.


3. My husband does notice my efforts. On very busy weeks, it's easy to slip into a "poor me" mentality, and feel like I do everything, plan everything, decide everything for our family and get very little for myself in return. He is sending me away on a little Mommy break so I can relax and just press pause for a few days. He reminds me very often that I made the right choice in partners for this life.


4. It's ok if I don't manage to do everything I see on Pinterest. I don't have to be a star at my job, expert chef, baker, cake decorator, seamstress, cleaner, crafter, student, entrepreneur, interior designer, fashionista, makeup artist, hairstylist, entertainer, time manager, creative surprise imagineer, writer, artist, or anything else. There isn't enough bandwidth in anyone's life to excel at all those things, all at once. There just isn't. And it's unfair and unrealistic to expect someone to.


5. Getting older isn't so bad. I had a minor freakout when I realized I'm now closer to 40 than 30. And when we went to see This Is 40 and I so completely, utterly related to it. And as my youngest child weaned himself off breastfeeding, we sold or donated all our baby things, we started to plan a kid-free vacation, and I got ready to register my oldest child for kindergarten and my youngest for preschool, there were a lot of "OMG my family is really growing up." moments and it was scary and depressing sometimes. It took a pregnancy scare to make me realize that I'm ok with where our life is taking us and I don't need to go back to the baby days. This is a really fun and very awesome time for us. And it's going to get only more fun and interesting as we all grow up more.

My Gift To Myself

I've spent a lot of time, energy, and money this year making Christmas special for my family and friends. And I love it. I may not do as much as some people do - I will NOT be joining the Elf on a Shelf bandwagon, I've barely baked a thing so far (one batch of cookies that kinda sucked), and we gave up trying to do a Christmas card this year - but I'm generally ok with what I've managed, especially since it's my first Christmas as a working mom. I don't want to run myself ragged and end up stressed, bitter, and snarly. I love the holidays and I want to enjoy them too. I was feeling some stress, some competition, some inadequacy. Getting to the brink of resentment and being overwhelmed. Getting annoyed with people and the things they do and say.

And then the terrible, terrible events that went down in Connecticut this December 14th reminded me how much I need to enjoy every moment. I will hope that we never have to live through a horrific experience like that, but reality is, it does happen to some people. Good people. Innocent people. You never know when it might happen, or if it will happen, but fate and karma and the Rest of the World sometimes make choices for us. I've made a point of never looking at my life with regret. If we were involved in a trauma like that (knock on wood), I think that I could end up regretting some things.

And so I have committed to myself that I'm done with worrying about stuff that doesn't matter. Done with getting angry about silly, trivial things. Done with trying to control dumb crap that nobody else cares about.

If some asshat with a big truck cuts me off, oh well, I'll still get where I'm going. If some silly know it all shoots her mouth off and says stupid things, that's nothing to get aggravated over. If my boys choose obnoxious or stupid or irritating behaviours, I will do better to just love them anyway and gently show them an alternative.

I've spent 36 years getting annoyed with people and rolling my eyes and feeling frustrated and impatient and excluded. I think I can finally say I've learned that this has been a waste and I just don't want to do it anymore.

I sincerely hope this new me will turn out to be a gift to everyone as well as myself.

No, I Am Your Father

Funniest effing dog destruction ever to date. It's even the right hand.

Be Right Back, I'm Just Around The Bend

Twas a few weeks before Christmas, and at the home of the Browns,
I was the only grownup for days, the husband was out of town.
As you would no doubt expect, quicker than quick
Both my children soon became rather sick.
Just the sniffles, I hope, they can still go to school
Having that hope broke every rule.
Monday morning came, and at the break of dawn
The quiet was shattered, the tears were full on.
For a minute I thought, I could just give them meds
They'll be fine until naptime, then sleep in their beds.
I could still go to work, I could still get the break
This weekend, though just two days, felt long as a snake.
But no, I can't do that, I have to stay home
Take care of my darlings, wish I was alone
On the beach, like my husband, did I mention his trip?
He went to Cabo, laid in the sun, took a dip.
While I had the joy of my two marvelous sons
Plenty of snow, holiday prep work, not very much sun.
"That's not fair" you might say. "How could he go?"
He deserved a break, it's my turn soon, this I know.
I don't begrudge him the trip, he works hard
He's a good husband, great father, takes care of the yard.
But if he tells me again soon he's trading sandals for socks
He'll find when he gets home that I've changed the locks.