Saturday, December 15, 2012

My Gift To Myself

I've spent a lot of time, energy, and money this year making Christmas special for my family and friends. And I love it. I may not do as much as some people do - I will NOT be joining the Elf on a Shelf bandwagon, I've barely baked a thing so far (one batch of cookies that kinda sucked), and we gave up trying to do a Christmas card this year - but I'm generally ok with what I've managed, especially since it's my first Christmas as a working mom. I don't want to run myself ragged and end up stressed, bitter, and snarly. I love the holidays and I want to enjoy them too. I was feeling some stress, some competition, some inadequacy. Getting to the brink of resentment and being overwhelmed. Getting annoyed with people and the things they do and say.

And then the terrible, terrible events that went down in Connecticut this December 14th reminded me how much I need to enjoy every moment. I will hope that we never have to live through a horrific experience like that, but reality is, it does happen to some people. Good people. Innocent people. You never know when it might happen, or if it will happen, but fate and karma and the Rest of the World sometimes make choices for us. I've made a point of never looking at my life with regret. If we were involved in a trauma like that (knock on wood), I think that I could end up regretting some things.

And so I have committed to myself that I'm done with worrying about stuff that doesn't matter. Done with getting angry about silly, trivial things. Done with trying to control dumb crap that nobody else cares about.

If some asshat with a big truck cuts me off, oh well, I'll still get where I'm going. If some silly know it all shoots her mouth off and says stupid things, that's nothing to get aggravated over. If my boys choose obnoxious or stupid or irritating behaviours, I will do better to just love them anyway and gently show them an alternative.

I've spent 36 years getting annoyed with people and rolling my eyes and feeling frustrated and impatient and excluded. I think I can finally say I've learned that this has been a waste and I just don't want to do it anymore.

I sincerely hope this new me will turn out to be a gift to everyone as well as myself.

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